Inspiration

So it’s been a while since I’ve written but leave it to my venti mocha latte to give me the kick in the butt I needed. I could say my dog chewed through my computer cord which prevented me from pouring my soul out in my blog but soon you would all find out I don’t own a dog and my computer is wireless…so I will fess up- I’ve lacked inspiration.

Those words are a writers death, since to a writer there should be inspiration everywhere. True writers see words swimming in their cereal, can put a poem to a kiss, or see a city filled with stories to be told.

I used to be like that. I used to write till my fingers got sore. I enjoyed writing since, I distinctively remember, the third grade when I wrote my first book, “Cat and Dog Go to the Park.” So it was no award winner and I think it was about 5 pages and all widely illustrated with my scribbles but to my other classmates I was the star and everyone wanted to read it. I was truly proud of my book and knew I wanted to keep spreading my words and to people forever. When I was younger my mother once asked me how I come up with the ideas for my stories. I told her that I spin around in circles pointing outward, then stop. Whatever I was pointing to, at the moment I stopped, I would write a story about it.

I had the biggest imagination and was so very innocent. Because I was sheltered for the beginning of my life I imagined the world how I wanted it to be rather than what it was. As I’ve gotten older that imagination and spark has slowly ran thin as I am more and more aware of the reality that we live in. Lately I’ve been waiting for inspiration like that to strike me and give me the motivation I need to write my story, it's even taken me to Europe in search of it. Who knew my $4.18 latte would instead be my inspiration to write a piece on not being inspired.

 The other day 5:00 rolled around and after a long day of meeting deadlines and working with pestering editors, I walked out of my building to see hundreds of tiny lights covering the trees lining the sidewalk in the city. Having never worked in the city during the holiday season I never realized they did this so early. It was a moment that took my breathe away, put a smile on my face and for a split second I was that innocent young girl with the big imagination gleaming over the magic of the season. For that second I knew anything was possible..and then just as fast as the feeling came, it was gone.

Recently I’ve been noticing a disconnect with myself which has put a huge strain on my self esteem, my work performance, and my relationship with my boyfriend. I’m in a whole new world; no school to consume my time and help me avoid this hidden identity I’ve kept bottled up for years. I’ve graduated and that identity is out in the open with out me with it. As I walk the street I feel like I’m two steps behind and looking for ways to catch up.

If only I could find more moments like that one I had the other day, then maybe I wouldn’t be so lost in my own shoes. I’ve lost my inspiration because I’ve lost track of myself. I think of how hypocritical I’ve been; preaching how to love and enjoy your life when really all along I was in denial with mine. Someday I will figure this all out and see my life more clearly and accept who I am. There's nothing left to hide behind anymore and I know this toxic behavior is reversible and won’t be quick or easy but will so be worth it. I know that finding myself will open up so many doors for me I just need to find the key first..

Out with the old, in with the new

Out with the old and in with the new..thats how the saying goes. Leaving your old behind and moving forward to something much better and greater. Well what if you are trying to go with the new but the old keeps poking you in the back like an impatient 5 year old.

Why is it that once we move on, our past suddenly realizes we are gone and tries to pry its way back into our life, making it much harder to fully accept the new. 

With all the new changes currently going on in my life, graduating, getting a job in the city, new boyfriend, and moving back home, i should be embracing everything 100% and only looking towards the future. I am completely happy where I am right now and moving forward but there's always that comfort and ease in slipping back in with old boyfriends that lingers in the back of my mind bugging me and pestering me screaming "REMEMBER ME, REMEMBER ME"

Well, and what if, for instance, your old becomes your new again and you start over. Do you pick up where you left off or start over like a new relationship but maybe being a little wiser.

Now I am completely happy with my current boyfriend (actually the boy I was smitten over in these past few entries) but I wonder what if..

Then I quickly remember why I left him in the first place and know that my past is my past for a reason and know that where I am right now is so much better than where I was and to cut ends with those who intoxicate my motives for moving forward.

Divorce at all ages

So my roomate is currently going through the divorce of her parents and even though my parents divorced when I was younger I wonder if it does make any difference to end it right when you know the marriage won't work, or do you try to stick it out for the sake of your kids and hope things will work themselves out? So I tried writing something a little different from a few different points of view to try and express my feelings toward this issue....

It’s late January the ground is still blanketed white from the previous snowstorm and thoughts of Valentines Day are running through Margaret’s 10-year-old imaginative mind on a dull Saturday afternoon. As the morning cartoons end, she quickly gets bored and takes out a blank sheet of paper and a pad of red ink from the art closet she often visits. Margaret plants her workstation at the end of the dining room table, presses her thumb into the red ink pad and begins to make thumbprint stamps. She continues to draw faces on them and eventually a family of happy thumbprint stamps surrounded by hearts and Valentines Day décor form. Being proud of her masterpiece she yells up the stairs to her parents to come see what she had created so they could admire as well. After many attempts she doesn’t get a response and decides to go up the stairs for herself and knocks on the door, calling for her Mom. “Go down stairs sweetie, I‘ll come look in a minute,” her mother explains. Margaret as patient as she was, went back down the stairs and sat in the chair at the end of the dining room table only to hear a lot of commotion coming from her parent’s bedroom. So after what seemed to be hours of waiting and perfecting the fine details of the drawing, she hears the door upstairs open and a thud hit the ground and continue to thud, step by step down the stairs, following behind her fathers footsteps. When he reached the bottom of the stairs he came into the dining room with his large blue suitcase he would take on family trips to their cottage in New Hampshire. With a fake smile on his face he gave Margaret a kiss, and said he was leaving on a business trip for a while.

 After a few weeks he returned only to sit Margaret and her two sisters down to explain he was leaving them. Margaret and her older sister, Sara, cling onto her mother as her younger sister, Elizabeth, lashes on to her father, all crying knowing their family has just been divided. Margaret’s eyes swell from the rush of emotion and pain and continue to cry as she rests her head on her mother’s shoulder making eye contact with her father’s big brown eyes in which she herself had inherited. Margaret notices he doesn’t shed a tear and she turns her head the other direction knowing she will never be able to draw that happy family of thumbprints again.  

As Margaret gets older she understands the decision made by her parents was the right one but always wonders what would have happened if they put their differences aside and remained married…

Twenty-years of marriage pass by as the husband pulls in the drive-way from a long day of work at a local photo-finishing company where he’s worked for the past 17 years. After his numerous layoffs as a film-processing manager he settled for a job that was steady but unsatisfying. His dreams of pursuing his entrepreneur spirit and owning his own photography business were put aside for the financial security of his family. With three kids to put through school and a wife being unsupportive of turning his passion into a career he didn’t have a choice. The father walks in through the front door, past his wife who’s cooking dinner on the stove, and into the living room where he kicks off his shoes, grabs a beer and turns on reruns of Seinfeld. 

            The wife came home earlier from her job as an accountant which gives her the ability to leave at a decent hour and has a limited stress environment. Compared to her previous job as a demanding medical secretary where, from the moment she punched in to second she punched out, she dreamt of having a career she enjoyed, with people she liked working with and didn’t require strenuous overtime hours. She was able to switch jobs since she didn’t have to worry about being the sole provider for the household and now finds satisfaction in her life through her work. When she comes home from work she often does errands, cleans the house or sits down in her rocking chair to quilt, a passion she now has time for. Afterwards, like clockwork, she starts dinner and makes sure it is prepared for her husband when he comes home.

When the meal is done cooking, she calls her husband out from the living room saying that dinner’s ready. He mopes in, and they take their usual seats, at either end of the dining room table. They eat their dinner in silence as the TV blares in the background, both staring into their string bean casserole. Both of them are too afraid to start a conversation since it would lead to a screaming battle and since they don’t talk much out of necessity anymore, they even have little to communicate about. With their three children moved out, all they have is each other and can no longer mask their problems. The husband occasionally peaks at his phone under the table while his mistress texts him to come over when he’s done. So when he finishes his meal he gets up from the table, gives his wife a squeeze on the shoulder and says he will be back later on.

With a simple nod of her head she waits to hear the door shut behind him and then begins to cry. Crying because she knows what he is doing but is too afraid to stop it. Crying because she had the chance to stop it years ago when they considered divorce but figured it would be easier on their kids if they stuck it out and now look where it got them; a love-less marriage filled with deceit and unhappiness. She can quilt and work all she wants but nothing can repair the pain and resentment she now has towards herself. As she sits at the end of the dinning room table she stares out the window and admits to herself her marriage has failed.

Why is it that two people once so in love can come to hate each other? “Till death do us part.” Those simple words used to carry weighted meaning, now they seem to be more of a suggestion. Is it better to live through the pain of divorce or to try to make it work through years of unhappiness and failure? Modern love is difficult since we strive for independence yet how do we do that while being dependent on someone else? Many married couples try to hide their problems by focusing their attention on their children. What happens when the children eventually grow up and all they have to face is each other and years of built up aggression toward one another? We are trained to learn early on to believe in love and marriage and happily ever afters. Is it wrong to get our hopes up for something that may never be? Now we have to define our own happy endings and they may not be as clean cut as it once seemed to be before.

Birthday Depression

I have come to realize that I am in Birthday Depresion. For most people birthdays are a good thing and is a great way to get together with friends and family to enjoy the day dedicated to you. Well this has always been the case for me as well, except for this year.

My birthday is tomorrow and I couldn't be more afraid. I have been dreading it so much you would think I'm turning 30 or something. I have asked my friends to treat it like a normal day with no birthday recognition. My birthday has always marked the end of school. My birthday would come and I would then know I have only about 1 week left of school. I have realized that I am not looking forward to my birthday because of just that- school is ending. And not just ending for the semester, my entire undergraduate career is ending. Along with the friendships I have made with so many people along the way. It's nice to think I will remain friends with them but in reality it is unlikely since we will be all moving on to bigger and better things.

Even the 5 girls I live with, we all became a family living with eachother for the past 4 years and now I am moving in with my mom with all my girls being at least an hour away. This is a big change and I don't think I'm ready to accept it. I have been trying my hardest to avoid the topic of graduation that it suddenly is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I don't want my birthday to come because I know what is next- graduation.

Maybe I would feel a little better if I had a job lined up but like the rest of the growing number of the unemployed I do not. That is another fear of mine. I went through all this work to get my degree in something I am good at but there are no positions for me? Graduation is tough enough and now with the added stress of maybe not finding a job makes it that much worse. And to add to that when I am stressed I shop..and not having a job is making that super difficult.

Regardless, there is nothing I can do to change this factor in my life and it's going to happen no matter what..unless I do fail all my finals (which I contemplated for about a good minute) So I guess when I go to blow out my birthday candles tomorrow I'll know exactly what I'll be wishing for...

"Graduation came
And our dreams called our names
With broken hearts we moved on with our lives
For the first time"

Cheating

First of all I would like to take a minute and congratulate all those who participated the Boston Marathon today. It was an incredible and inspiring experience and I just wanted to acknowledge all their hard work and achievement. Well done!!

Why do men cheat? Why after years of being inseparable must they decieve? Why do they insist on still lying about after they have been caught? What possesses them to hurt the ones they love? Are they hurt by this at all or do they get off with no guilt? Do they feel sorry? Why are they so good at manipulating their partner to take them back and gain their "trust?"  

Why do they put the people who have to break the news in an awkward position? Why does it make me so mad to watch them get back together after I know exactly what happened. Why did I witness his shithead actions and have her not believe me? Why are girls soooo blind to the truth? How did I get sucked into all this drama when I actually wanted to resolve it? And then when I tried to resolve it, why is it then thrown in my face like I did something wrong? If I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me (even i found out from a total stranger) I would at least consider it and realize people are telling you for your sake,not theirs, wouldn't you? 

Women must not depend upon the protection of men,but must be tought to protect herself. -Susan B. Anthony

Settling

Why do we settle?..most often without even realizing it. Whether we get too comfortable in a dead end relationship or we are involved with someone who is totally wrong for us we end up settling because in the end they are someone to be with. Someone to kiss you hello,  leave you sweet text messages before bed, take you on dates, and well lets be honest, to fool around with. But then that same someone also is a compulsive drinker, blows off plans consistantly, degrades your work, is emotionless, and has loser frat friends who try to rape your roommate.

Why does it take someone else to come along to realize what you really deserve and help snap you out of this trance you were put under? It's obvious that I enjoyed the attention but when it came to my actual well-being, I tried to make excuses for his behavior. When I met this new guy (see previous post) we hit it off right away. Ever since then I could care less about screwball #1 and realized that I had indeed (dramatic pause)...settled. After trying so hard not to fall  into this trap again after my previous relationship, I managed to somehow slip into it. Is it better to be alone than with someone you aren't completely satisfied with? Is it fair to put him as a place marker for the next guy?

Now by no means did I plan on meeting this new guy and blowing off the screwball I was seeing but it happened out of my control. And honestly with all the shit he had put me through, I am glad he is getting a taste of his own medicine and being turned down for once. Especially since his intentions were a scheme for me to be his weekend booty call. I'm all set! What I'm trying to say is, I think, that we all deserve the very best. Someone who loves you at your best and at your absolute worst. Never settle for something less than everything..and I'll work on taking my own advice as well.

As a side note, for those wondering my date went fantastic! And in a week we are already on date # 3! Who knew!

"I hope that someday, somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight, and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face, they don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms, without an ounce of selfishness in it. "-Waitress

Life Lessons

 I got this from my Mom today and had to pass it along..life is short so enjoy everyday with family and friends..

Written  By Regina Brett, 90 years  old, of The Cleveland Plain Dealer

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 44  lessons life taught me.
It is the most-requested column  I've ever written.  My odometer
rolled over to 90 in  August, so here goes:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's  still good
2. When in doubt, just take the next small  step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month..
6. You  don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7.  Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. Save for retirement, starting with your first  paycheck.
9. Love your parents because they will be gone  before you know it...
10. Make peace with your past so it  won't screw up the present............
11. It's OK to  let your children see you cry
12. Don't compare your  life to others'.. You have no idea what their
journey is all  about.
13. If a relationship has to be a secret, you  shouldn't be in it. Amen!
14. Everything can change in  the blink of an eye.
15. Take a deep breath......It  calms the mind.
16. Get rid of anything that isn't  useful, beautiful or joyful.
17. Whatever doesn't kill  you really does make you stronger...
18. It's never too  late to have a happy childhood. But the second one
is up to  you and no one else.
19. When it comes to going after  what you love in life, don't take no
for an answer.
20.  Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy  lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion. .......Today  is special.
21. Over-prepare, then go with the flow.....
22. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear  purple.
23. The most important sex organ is the brain...
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In  five years,
will this matter?
26. Always choose  life..........
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28.  What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.....
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will  change...
31. Your job won't take care of you when you  are sick. Your friends
and parents will. Stay in touch.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. Don't audit life. Show  up and make the most of it now.
34. Growing old beats  the alternative -- dying young.
35. Your children get  only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the  end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day.  Miracles are waiting everywhere...
39. If we all threw  our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,
we'd grab  ours back..
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already  have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42.  No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up...
43. Yield.........
44. Life isn't tied with a bow,  but it's still a gift

Fate Comes A'Knockin

Sorry if I have been MIA (not to be confused with the british rapper) for the past few days. Things have been hectic but as bad as things got its surprising how fate can drop in and make good things happen.

Last night I was looking for a fun night out in town with my girls and mingle with the single men of Boston, schmoosing it up and hopefully working out a few free drinks from them(one of the many perks of being a girl!) What ended up happening was so much more than I expected..

If I wasn't already a believer in fate, I sure as hell am now! Last night I met a new boy and we hit it off like I've never had before. Everything that happened that night weirdly enough occured so we could meet. I won't bore you with the indepth details of my night but I can count about 8 instances where I am absolutely convinced fate or some higher power was involved. Decisions were made that I never would have normally made and it even though the bar was insanely packed..somehow always ended up being in the right place at the right time.

I don't believe in love at first sight and don't buy into the whole "soul mate" bullshit but I can tell you what I felt last night is something I've never felt before in my life with ANY other boy I've met..ranging from my 3 year relationship to my one night hookup. Last night I went to bed completely love struck and happy (even if I did have to sleep on the couch) and woke up in all smiles.

One of those nights where we just clicked and I could actually have an intellectual conversation without the cheesy pickup lines, the bragging, the sloppy drunkeness..just a genuinely sweet guy whos actually interested in my stupid stories and staring into my eyes rather than my chest. And I took his number not because I felt I had to but for the first time, literally in my life, have the intension on calling him and taking him up on his offer to dinner in the north end (which anyone from boston knows, is the Italian part of Boston that SCREAMS romantic ;p). I've never been a believer in dating guys I meet at a bar. I guess I just assumed guys go to bars to get drunk with the sole purpose of finding a girl to go home with. Well I guess that theory has now gone to shit! lol

I am still in awe over this totally unexpected surprise and needed to get my feelings out- my apologies for the cheezy cornyness that is me! Who knows what this will accumilate to but its nice to know that just when life gets you down theres always a pleasant surprise around the corner.

"There is fate, but it only takes you so far, because once you're there it's up to you to make it happen."

The "Title"

Why must we give everything a title to prove of its officiality? The term "boyfriend/girlfriend" may seem meaningless to some but for me that is a huge commitment that carries lots of extra baggage. Now I am not completely against the idea, I have held two serious relationships all lasting a few years. Its just that why is it when you make something official something snaps and now they are wondering where you are, who you are with, what you are doing..at all hours of the day. What happened to just having fun and enjoying what you have rather than over burdening eachother with, well..eachother.

I've recently been dating this boy for about 6 months but have never had "the talk" (you know where we find out what eachother wants out of this) It's probably..wait no it IS because I am afraid if I say something that he doesn't want, he will go into man mode, freak out, and I will lose that friend. And I know if he goes running, then he probably wasn't right for me anyway. But why risk something when we are having fun and enjoy being close friends. Yes I would like to be considered his and only his but once if we were to,  I'm afraid we will change into that bickering couple and lose my independence that I just recently gained back. From the way college men are and the pattern I have ran in the past..I can't afford to be burdened with another needy, obsessive man in my life.

I have never started a relationship this way before. It's almost backwards in a way since we have been hooking up and relationships of my past have always started with the "official" title and gone from there. And who knows if being bf/gf is what he even wants or what I want for that matter. I really have no intention of creating this passionate relationship out of this. All I want to do is keep having fun, but know we are exclusive. I care about him and (even as much as I tried to fight it) I really like him, so therefore I just want to know that he's not doing the same thing he's doing to me with someone else. So does putting a title on what we have really going to stop him if he is indeed seducing another woman? Probably not. So what's the big deal..why is this bothering me so much?? Wheres the happy medium? How can I be with someone "officially" without making it "official"?

"The things you're scared of are usually the most worthwhile"

-Chasing Liberty

That Cinderella Shoe

I will admit I am in love. I have been in love ever since I can remember. This love has brought me so much happiness along with the support and protection I need in my daily life. I wake up to it every morning and it never leaves my side. As I stare into the bottom of my closet I spend a good amount of time wondering which pair of shoes I am going to select for the day. This decision would be easy for, well most people, but for me, I love them all the same.

This obsession started back in high school when I was experimenting with styles and matching outfits with my shoes. As I learned more about all the types of shoes from boots, stilettos, sneakers, lifestyles, kitten heels and mary janes, my mind became entranced. As I got a job and started making money, my closet quickly became a haven for the shoes of the discount rack at DSW. Even in college I had to upgrade to the oversized jumbo plastic bin to contain my shoes, and they still overflow from the top. My roommate is constantly on my case begging me to consolidate my collection and throw some out. The thought itself shoots spears through my heart. No matter how much I know she is right, I justify my obsession by noting how each pair is different and useful for different reasons.

I’m sure there are many other women in the world who all share in this love. And why not? Shoes are the one essential article of clothing that connects us physically to the world. Without them we would be barefoot, getting shards of glass and squished colonies of ants reamed into our feet. They are what grounds us and even though the cavemen probably weren’t walking around in Spice Girl platforms, they too found them as an important part of daily existence.

Why is it that when we are having a bad day, a new pair of shoes seem to put a smile on our face?…especially when they are on sale. I feel they provide a sense of change and newness and symbolize a fresh start. They give off a sense of comfort even when they can be anything but.

As I dissect my passion for shoes I discover that shoes are a metaphor for love. We all have had that pair of shoes that seemed perfect but wore out too fast, or that pair of Chucks we settled in because they were comfortable and easy to wear, and then there were those perfect, adorable pair of heels that gave you blisters and cuts you tried to ignore but left you knowing that some things, no matter how cute, are just not meant to be. 

Styles of shoes are forever changing..just look back at the horror shows that came out of the 80s. Just like love, we are always searching for something different from the last. We learned what didn’t work from the previous shoe, or relationship, and use our knowledge to try again with something new. With love and with shoes, I rarely find myself seeking them out. Somehow they appear to me, often at the wrong times in my life when I don’t want to fall in love, or when my bank account has hit rock bottom. But still I splurge and know that if I didn’t get that pair of shoes at that right time they could have passed me by, never knowing what I could have missed out on.

Getting rid of your favorite pair of shoes is one of the most difficult things to do. Think of all the memories you’ve had in them and all the storms and stubbed toes they have saved you from. After all you have gone through, many of them eventually end up with several holes, the rubber flapping from the bottom or the laces frayed. No matter how much you love them, you know it is for the best and is time to make room in the closet for that new pair and move on.

The perfect shoe may not be the $1,270 pair of Jimmy Choo stilettos, but maybe that $20 pair from Payless. Never judge men or shoes by their value and instead look for their inner “sole.” As we get older our shoe size never changes but for some reason every shoe fits differently. So for now I’m still looking for that one Cinderella shoe that slips on perfectly and lasts for an eternity.          

“A pair of shoes can change your life. Just ask Cinderella.”

-Anonymous

Lovers Unite

          Roaming through the blogging community on several networks, relationships are one predominant and reoccurring subject everyone wants to talk about. No matter how different we all are, we all love and we also all have been hurt by love. We all feel better when we know someone else has gone through what we had endured and find comfort in this. We all buy the magazines, read into horoscopes, and talk our friend’s ears off obsessing over love and what we can do to control it. If only we could understand the male species more or maybe understand our own selves more in order to break down old bad love habits.

          Well ladies, the truth is I don’t have all the answers. However, I do have plenty of experiences to base my opinions off of. So the question is, with so many relationship blogs outs there why choose mine? I’m a broke single college student in my senior year, living in the suburbs of Boston..what could I possibly know about relationships? Well for one thing, I myself have been through numerous relationships, some lasting years, others a matter of weeks. I come from a family of women (including my cat) with a single mom, two sisters, and plenty of aunts and cousins to go around. I currently am living with five other women on campus who all have had their fair share of heartache. They are all what has inspired me to start this blog. For all the women in the world who have ever been cheated on, played, teased, divorced, abused, controlled, and broken up with, or just left crying…this one’s for you.

Where at times I hate men as much as any other woman has in one point in their life, I am still a believer in love. I believe we have to go through hell and back to find the one that means the most. It may take weeks, it could take decades but in the end it will be worth the wait. For now, I am enjoying being on my own and being that shoulder to cry on for others. With many years of needing to always be with someone, I am finally content with learning to love myself which we all know is step one to true happiness.

So here it is, my deepest opinions on love are finally revealed! I hope to keep up with this as much as possible but keep in mind I am still trying to make it to graduation! I don't know how you stumbled upon my blog, but I hope you can take a part of it with you. Something to bring a smile to your face on Monday morning or after crying over your asshole boyfriend. You know that dollar bill you forgot you left in your pocket months ago? When you pull it out thinking it's a crunched up wrapper, that unexpected surprise, even if it is only a dollar, brings a sense of excitement. So I hope I can be that dollar in your pocket...tuck me away for some time and check back occasionally when in need of a pick me up. I’ll be here!

 “Love is smiling on the inside and out.”

            -Jennifer Williams